Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

lot going on here, legally speaking.

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

So we got a goldfish…

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.