I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
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I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.