I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
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When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us