Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

that lip filler tho

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.