I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Candles never taste the way they smell
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
The happy life.. 😊
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
The cashier just checked me out.
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.