I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
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You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.