Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣