I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
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proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
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simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?