I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
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I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
This is me
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
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