I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
You Might Also Like
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.