I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
You Might Also Like
What
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.