I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Feel. He’s so soft.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby