Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

Your husband’s super cute, is he single?

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires