I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
You Might Also Like
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.