I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
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I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.