Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

WWE is French for “yes”

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

they should invent a type of situation that improves.

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice