I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
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*mops up wine with cat*
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor