Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

My good tweets are in my other pants.

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]