I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
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The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.