Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally