I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
You Might Also Like
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Just a friendly reminder!
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
This is my favorite one of these!
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?