I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
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Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I hope google does well on my son’s test
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”