Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit:

Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.

P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.