I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
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A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
She knows her part so well!
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
What kind of a cult is this?
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching