Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

ㅤ

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.