Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

For the ones in the back.

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money