Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

the zen of frog