Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

me: I need a new shirt

stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

🙁

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

Meanwhile in Portland…

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off