I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
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I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I have many caverns
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Who does Amazon think I am?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Modded the new Gran Turismo
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.