Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

when the buffet is more honest than your date

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

[Job interview]

employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!

me: I hope that’s ok-

emp: when can he start?

me: WHAT?!

cat: meow

emp: great!

me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

time machine? you mean a clock?

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.