I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
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i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.