Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BaD BoY!!

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…

[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!

*kid faints*

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.