I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
You Might Also Like
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere