I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
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To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good