Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

LOL

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”