Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

Me trying to look natural in photos

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

A completely valid reaction tbh

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.