I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
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The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink