Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

[first date]

HER: well, I’m still hung up on my ex from college. Do you have any baggage?

ME: it has recently come to my attention that I have been under a voodoo curse due to my actions in early 2015

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it

#OneLiner

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.