I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
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Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.