I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
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Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
applying for a new job
