I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
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I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
new shirt idea
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry