I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
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I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.