Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”