Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.