Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

satan: not today, microsoft teams

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

my favorite genre of twitter

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

new year update: losing everything but weight

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.