Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story