Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

meanwhile over on facebook

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying