I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
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[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness