Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.

me: HOOAH!!!

sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.

[places wicker basket back in locker]

me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

Hmm 🧐

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late