I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
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Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.