Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??