Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver