Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.