I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
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This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
podcasts
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Multitask? I can barely unitask
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
