I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

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leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles


That moment of sheer panic when you’re wrist deep in the Pringles can, and you begin rehearsing your story for the ER attendant.


Don’t listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They’re just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn’t anxious.


Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.


If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.


I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…


Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice


Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?


[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!