@sheseemslegit

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

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@KeetPotato

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

@tsm560

That moment of sheer panic when you’re wrist deep in the Pringles can, and you begin rehearsing your story for the ER attendant.

@jwoodham

Don’t listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They’re just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn’t anxious.

@lmwortho

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.

@nevernicethings

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

@TheBoydP

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

@ItsAndyRyan

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

@hasht4g

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

@PatsATweetin

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!