I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
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10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early