I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
You Might Also Like
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?