i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
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(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.