I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
