Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

i think both sides are to blame here

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

Sell your car

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned