I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
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Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER