Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.