I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
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“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
sin harder.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”