I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
You Might Also Like
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
best review i’ve ever seen
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking