Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

I want what they have

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

I have so many questions.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

🗽

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.