I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
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I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
oh shit
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer