I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
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My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English