I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
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I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now