Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?