[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
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Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.